“I have someone close to me who isn’t happy in their life but just won’t do anything to change it. Every time I see them they moan about the same things and I find it so frustrating. I make suggestions and offer to help but they never take any advice or support from anyone. I want to see them but I come away so frustrated and I am leaving longer and longer between seeing them as a result. Any suggestions?”
I get this, believe me, I get it. It’s like why do you keep moaning and not do anything about it? I’m a doer and if something’s not right then I work to change it. However, there are two points here that I remind myself of in these situations. Firstly, everyone is doing the best they can. Secondly, the only behaviour I can change is my own. Let me elaborate.
I believe that everyone is doing the best they can. There may be a reason they cant make changes. Perhaps the thought of change frightens them more than the situation they are in now. Perhaps they don’t feel they are capable of the change. There may be some underlying reason behind their reluctance to change. Something you’re not aware of and may never be aware of. Take note here, I’m not saying find out what is it. Even if you were a qualified psychotherapist you are too close to the situation to work therapeutically.
That leads onto the second point. You can’t make other people change. You can influence others behaviours sometimes, but here it is clear you can’t. So change how you think about it. Accept you can’t change it. Accept you wouldn’t live your life like that but, for whatever reason they do. Accept their situation and the way you help is just by listening to them and appreciating the positive parts of your relationship. That’s the value to your relationship with them.
In some relationships we have to accept parts that we don’t understand and embrace the parts we enjoy. Someone once said to me that the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result, so why do they keep moaning and expecting change. The question could also apply to you, why do you keep making suggestions and expecting change when they can’t or won’t.
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