I feel really wronged by my husband and am struggling to move on from it…
“A few years ago my husband did something that I thought was unfair and disrespectful to me. He doesn’t see it that way and thinks I am overreacting despite the fact that he would be incredibly cross if I did the same thing. It has definitely changed our relationship for the worse. If he could just apologise and see my point of view I would be able to move forward. We hardly communicate, he just gets cross and strops off as soon as I try to talk things through and he refuse any form of couples counselling. My confidence is shattered, I feel so powerless and struggle not to ruminate. What do I do?“
Thanks for this question and your honesty. I can hear your emotional pain around this. This really is a big issue and not something I can fully answer here. What I can do is ask you to consider a few things and suggest some resources that might help.
Underpinning all of this is your desire to feel acknowledged and heard. It is a fundamental need for all of us, especially by those close to us and you’re not getting that. It is particularly impactful when we feel that our feelings weren’t acknowledged growing up.
Another fundamental factor to consider is why your partner is unable to acknowledge your view, and I very much doubt it is about you. People’s behaviour is a reflection of themselves. His reaction sounds like classic fight/flight/freeze responses. For whatever reason, he feels threatened – perhaps because he is unable to acknowledge he did something wrong, or perhaps he cannot face the idea that he hurt you.
Questions to ask yourself moving forward:
What would it take for you to be able to move forward and is that achievable?
Is this a deal breaker for the marriage?
Do you want to continue living in this situation as it stands?
What other alternatives do you have?
Is it about acknowledgement or are there underlying personal factors also involved.
I suggest that, whilst your husband refuses to attend counselling, consider it for yourself. The counselling would be to help you and not to work on your husband if that makes sense. It would help you process your thoughts and emotions, look at other underlying factors and you options moving forward.
Thanks for this question and your honesty. I can hear your emotional pain around this. This really is a big issue and not something I can fully answer here. What I can do is ask you to consider a few things and suggest some resources that might help.
Underpinning all of this is your desire to feel acknowledged and heard. It is a fundamental need for all of us, especially by those close to us and you’re not getting that. It is particularly impactful when we feel that our feelings weren’t acknowledged growing up.
Another fundamental factor to consider is why your partner is unable to acknowledge your view, and I very much doubt it is about you. People’s behaviour is a reflection of themselves. His reaction sounds like classic fight/flight/freeze responses. For whatever reason, he feels threatened – perhaps because he is unable to acknowledge he did something wrong, or perhaps he cannot face the idea that he hurt you.
Questions to ask yourself moving forward:
What would it take for you to be able to move forward and is that achievable?
Is this a deal breaker for the marriage?
Do you want to continue living in this situation as it stands?
What other alternatives do you have?
Is it about acknowledgement or are there underlying personal factors also involved.
I suggest that, whilst your husband refuses to attend counselling, consider it for yourself. The counselling would be to help you and not to work on your husband if that makes sense. It would help you process your thoughts and emotions, look at other underlying factors and you options moving forward.
Once again, thank you for sharing.